Stop letting people dictate how you feel every second of the day!
I know. This is yet another message telling you to stop, go, or continue. But, we need that kick in the ass sometimes.
And I’m totally speaking to myself – as I usually am with most things I write because we’re everyone else.
I’m in Costa Rica right now at a week-long, intense ass, deep ass, challenging ass, jujitsu retreat. It’s kicking my ass.
But, I’m here and I’m realizing how much power I actually have. Like Super Saiyan 4 power.
I’m learning a lot about myself in other areas as well. I’m realizing that I often allow people’s attitudes dictate how I feel. I let others actions dictate how I feel. I let other’s BULLSHIT dictate how good or bad my life is.
No more. NO MORE.
That’s why I’ve been telling myself. I’ve been thinking, “Is it possible for me to have peace in the midst of everyone else’s bullshit?”
Then a better question pops up: “Do I get to have peace? Do I actually deserve that shit? Am I worthy of it?”
I went through a lot of violence as a kid. My dad used to beat, punch, and choke the shit outta me. He used to tell me that I was small and unworthy of living.
Middle school was hell.
High school was a little better, but I wanted to die by suicide by then.
I’ve been through some shit, and the message I often operate is: Sinclair, you have play it small because you are small. You don’t get to be happy or relaxed until others say you are.
And if someone is having a bad day or is irritated or they have a grumpy ass look on their face, my immediate thought is that I did something wrong. That I messed up. That I need to run up to my room and hide until dad tells me I’m good to come out.
No matter how much we’ve healed, the trauma is still there. The pain is still there. Maybe not to as high of a degree, but our bodies don’t forget.
So, I learn to forgive myself for freaking out on the bad days. I learn to give myself grace for letting other’s actions and demeanor impact my shit, my chi. I learn to breathe.
And when I forget those lessons, I suffer.
So, if you’re suffering right now it’s okay. If you’re judging yourself and saying mean things to yourself, that’s okay. If you’ve let someone else’s hell become your hell, that’s okay.
And, it’s also okay to let that shit go. To breathe deeply for a moment. And repeat that until you feel relaxed. Maybe you need to get on the floor like I do and have the lights off and just think about a time in your life when you were safe. Maybe you need to get up and dance that shit out. Maybe you need to sign up for a one day, three day, or week-long getaway.
Whatever it is, go do it. Do it and then let feelings of worthiness catch up. Don’t wait to feel worthy before you take care of yourself. Give yourself the permission to take care of yourself while you feel like complete shit.
And then let me know who that goes for you. Email me, tweet me, hit me up. I wanna know. Let’s lift each other up.
Let’s give this our best shot. Today. Because today, now, is what counts. You are what counts and so am I.