Author Archives: Sinclair P Ceasar III

When the Person You Loved is Now a Hologram: Grieving the Living & Other Pain

Photo by Chayene Rafaela on Unsplash

But in our hearts we know that it’s inevitable
Though it’s hard to let you go I know I must
Sometimes memories just ain’t enough
Sometimes you out grow the ones you love

Goodbye x Lyfe Jennings

Ambiguous loss.

It’s the grief you experience when someone you love morphs into something almost unrecognizable. It’s what friends, family, and colleagues felt when I experienced my first manic episode a few years ago. It’s what a son feels when his father is diagnosed with dementia. And in a way, it’s likely what the individuals in this article are living with right now.

We typically think about the finality of death when we talk about grief. Ambiguous loss, however, occurs when someone we care for is still physically present but psychologically absent, or when the inverse is true. We don’t know who this new person will be when they return, if they ever do.

It’s grieving the living.

Dr. Pauline Boss, who’s work on ambiguous loss spans over 40 years, is the pioneer of the term, a clinician, an educator, and a researcher. Dr. Boss says, “ambiguous loss makes us feel incompetent. It erodes our sense of mastery and destroys our belief in the world as a fair, orderly, and manageable place.”

If your world is already on fire, unmanageable, wholly fragile and breakable, how much more does the pain of loss weigh on you? Many of us have found ourselves in a private mode browser, searching the internet for breadcrumbs that will tell us where exes have ended up. Who’ve they married. If they’re happy…happier. Others have opted to forgo family dinners and holidays for the sake of their mental wellness, their lives. Disdain for their salient identities or choice in partners has been made evident from conversations, debates, arguments, and empty rows at weddings. 

Loss is loss, though varied and inevitable. Acceptance, they say, is necessary, anger is expected, but we miss the person grieving when we attempt only to fix them. To rid them of their pain. To move them through stages that aren’t even linear in the first place.

Lily, 33, New Jersey, She/Her. 

He’s my ex-husband and the father of my two oldest sons. We met when I was 18 and got married six months later. I’ve known him almost 15 years now. He had an unhealthy relationship with substances for many years before it became what I would consider an addiction. His worst addictions were heroin and meth.

The turning point was the arrest. It happened while he was picking up ecstasy to sell. At that point I realized that his family wasn’t his first priority and that we probably never would be. Regardless, it wasn’t worth it to wait around and find out. I couldn’t risk putting our kids in danger anymore.

It was hard at first. He was my safety net, and I didn’t really know how to be on my own. He was a good dad and husband when he was clean, sober and thinking straight. That made it hard to leave. When he went to prison for the ecstasy, it was much easier to distance myself and become independent from him. When I finally knew I was done, for real done, I felt like a weight was lifted. I felt free and relieved and like I could finally breathe again. I didn’t really find myself and grow up until I left that relationship. It was the best decision I ever made. Our relationship wasn’t healthy. I think if I had stayed with him I would be extremely unhappy. I could’ve gotten sucked into that lifestyle and just lost everything.

We still keep in touch because of our children, but he hasn’t really been a father to them since he went to prison when they were three and five. Over the past nine years, he’s been in and out of jail and struggling with addictions. He’s currently in prison again and we communicate maybe once a month. I honestly don’t really ever think about him unless we’re talking. I know some people think you look at your child and think about the other parent or whatever, but it doesn’t even dawn on me that they have a father sometimes because he hasn’t been there.

On the other hand, it’s really sucks for my boys that their father isn’t around. It definitely affects them, and I hate that. It makes me so angry. I don’t understand how someone chooses drugs over their children. I’ll never understand that. I just try to let all that go. And, unfortunately, I kind of just forget he exists most of the time. 

Teresa, 31, Missouri, She/Her. 

I once saw a Reddit comment that said, “You can finally let someone go when you’re brave enough to face the fact that they didn’t care as much about you as you did them.” This is when I knew I could cut him out of my life, someone I’d been through so much with. He was repeatedly awful to me and dismissive of the boundaries I set. I asked to be treated better but he didn’t care. For my sanity, I finally pulled the plug on the friendship simply by not discontinuing a text conversation. He never reached back out to me either.

Even though the decision was clear to me, it hurt like hell. I grieved privately and didn’t tell anyone. I hoped that he’d suddenly treat me better, but a week of silence turned into a month. That turned into a year, and now it’s been almost two years. I still have a tiny sliver of hope, but I know that holding a place for someone who wasn’t treating me well isn’t doing me any favors.

It’s so surreal to see the city where he lives pop up on my blog’s Google Analytics. It’s odd when he appears as a friend suggestion on social media. And, it’s unsettling for me to hear mutual friends talk about him. It’s like he became a hologram in my life, an abstract memory of a person, that I can barely picture anymore. I feel grief and anger whenever he shows up on my screen. Those feelings eventually turn into sadness because there truly was nothing I could have done to keep patching things together, especially if he wasn’t going to treat me better. 

Samantha, 28, New York, She/Her

I met my best friend in 8th grade. Jordan was the water to my fire, and we always laughed like no one was watching. Sometimes I’d think people were annoyed by how much fun we were having. It was one of the healthiest friendships I had. We ran wild and free. And then Jordan turned to drugs.

I always remember her saying she liked to experiment and she won’t get addicted. I had zero idea of what was happening, and only discovered things in bits and pieces. Over the years, she’d bring me around her boyfriend and his friends: they all struggled with addiction. I stuck out like a sore, uncomfortable, thumb. They were never kind or welcoming, just mean. 

One day, one Jordan’s many guy friends got mad at her for going to smoke with another guy. I didn’t understand until he told me she was smoking heroin. I cried my heart out. We tried intervention but she lied to my face to protect her habit. Jordan continued to lie consistently from that point forward, spiraling the entire time. But she was a functional user, and maintained school and a full-time job) so I was always thrown off. 

I was 25 when it all came to a head and I actually punched her straight in the face. I’ve never been so furious in my life, and had never punched anyone in the face. 

It took three years for me to actually miss Jordan. I’ve come to accept that she will always be my best friend. we had the most fun I’ve ever had growing up. I pray for her sobriety and have even ran into her boyfriend two times and mother once, when I was thinking/worried about her. I think God sends those life jackets when you need to be reassured.

I know I was mad at Jordan the addict-self, not her. I think you have to hold onto the good to grieve the loss: the good memories, the funny stories, and the person’s best self. I’m still learning though. And I’m still rooting for her.

Elle, 26, California, She/Her

I’ve known Giovanni and Alexa since middle school – 11 years. In college, they stopped wanting to hang out with me even when I would tell them when I’d be home for holidays. They both regularly visited my university’s campus to meet up with another friend and I wouldn’t find out until later. As we grew apart, I started to notice how they treated me and other people. They gossiped about friends and made fun of them behind their backs. They openly skipped my birthday. At there were times that they disrespected me to my face.

The big turning point was during my college graduation. I saw Giovanni and Alexa there and they didn’t even acknowledge my existence. They were only there to cheer on my friend instead. Up until that point, I had assumed and thought we were all friends. I tried reaching out before then, but when their plans didn’t align with my own, they claimed I was too busy.

That’s when I cut ties. 

I’ve still felt sad and uneasy throughout this entire process, even though it’s gone on for years. I think about I confronted them once about not treating me poorly and they denied it. In the midst of everything, they got others to end friendships with me too. 

My grieving process has been frustrating. Up until last month, I was regularly looking at their social media to see what they were up to because I still cared about them. Plus, there have been multiple times in the past few years where I have felt like I have made a mistake in breaking up with friends in general. Occasionally, I forget the friendship happened. But often, I miss the friendship for what I thought it was.

Sophie, 53, Kansas, She/Her

I was 17 when I got pregnant with Adam, but I had siblings that were five, four, and two, so I had no fantasies about what raising a baby would be like. I had it happening all around me and none of it seemed fun.

His biological dad, Clark, and I were best friends, and had been since we met in 8th grade. We were each other’s biggest fans. I was positive that any child made from bits of him and bits of myself would be the greatest human being ever born, and as arrogant as his father and I might have been, I knew that baby deserved much better parents than we would be. I wanted him (I’d hoped it was a “her” at the time) to have two grown and educated parents whose main goal in life was to have a family, and to raise a human into the best version of itself possible.

I hoped that Clark and I might become those people some day, together or with other people, but I knew we were not then. We were still seniors in high school. We were both probably considered underprivileged kids, going to a college prep school paid with public funds. We knew the life we’d come from, and we wanted more than that. We were excited to go into the world and discover all there was to know. Clark had just been accepted to Yale with almost a full scholarship. I was hoping to make it into the New School.

There was no way a baby could fit in that world.

Clark asked me to marry him, and recently reminded me that my reply was: “What? And ruin THREE people’s lives?”

Here’s how I imagined it.

I would give up going to college. I really believed Clark was smarter and more talented than I (still do), so of course he should go to school. And I would be the stay-at home-mom. We’d have some really lousy apartment off campus where I’d sit all day trying to take care of a crying baby, while daydreaming about what Clark was off learning as I became bitter about my “wasted opportunities”. Clark would be with fascinating, intelligent people all day and then come home to me: tired, in my pjs covered with throw-up, with nothing to talk about, and cranky with Clark for doing what I wanted him to do in the first place.

I was somehow smart enough to see that the biggest loser in that picture would be our baby, sitting in the high chair and crying while we fought. I didn’t want that for any of us. I knew we could all have better.

My son’s name is Adam. Kansas is an open adoption state, so I knew that legally he could find out who I was when he turned 18. That helped. I don’t know if I could have made my choice if I didn’t know there was a chance that he’d feel connected to me and find me someday. I also went through a private adoption agency. They let me choose his parents and write them a letter they promised to give Adam when they deemed he was old enough. Adam’s parents would send photos and short updates to the adoption agency throughout his childhood. The adoption agency would pass them on to me. Again, I don’t know that I could have made the choice to not keep him if I wouldn’t have had that assurance.

The first few years were very difficult for me, and that’s probably putting it mildly. The first few months were the worst. All I could feel every minute was how much I missed him. Just like with the daughter I later was able to keep and raise, every atom in my body longed to be with him.

Adam was born in the 80s when they let you stay at the hospital for a while after you had a baby. I spent 4 days there with him in my room every minute. Everyone advised me against it, but I was stubborn. I was positive it was what Adam and I both needed. I knew it might be the only time in my life I’d get to be with him. And I wanted him to know in those days that he was so, so loved. I hoped and prayed we’d form a connection that would somehow stay with him. I do not regret that — at all. I sometimes wonder if that’s why he always wanted to know me. If that’s why he eventually found me.

I understood other’s options back then, and still do. It may have been easier in those moments to have just not seen him and gone home as soon as possible. But easier isn’t always best.

During the first few years, I thought of him on the 17th of every month (his birthday). And then, like every loss, it got less painful and less consuming. At some point, when he was still in single digits but getting older, the adoption agency closed and I lost touch with his parents. I always felt like it was totally his choice of whether he’d search and find me. It was perfectly fair if he didn’t. And so at some point, I had to build a little wall around my hurt and tell myself I could think about it again after he was 18. I kind of locked it all away until them.

He was 14 when he sent me an email.

When his parents and I were in contact, they would often tell me how smart he was — which never surprised me because I was expecting that. At 14 he had finished high school and was about to start his first semester at his state university. His mother had taken him on errands that day and they were at the bank, looking at papers in the bank box. She knew the adoption papers were in there, and she knew Adam knew the adoption papers were in there. So she let them be accessible while she tended to other things. Adam read the papers.

This was the late 90s and not many people knew about the internet, but I already had my own web page and domain name by then. I made sure to put my full name and email address in enough places so that anyone who did a web search for it could find me. I was thinking 100% about my son. I wanted it to be easy for him to find me someday. Clearly I didn’t lock the thoughts of him completely out of my mind.

So when he looked, he found me, and wrote me the sweetest email. He wasn’t sure it was me. He was such a little baby when I think of it now, just 14 years old, reaching out to ask if I was his birth mom. To see if I cared.

I answered right away. We talked tons and tons.

Fast forward to today, Adam’s 35 now. He’s been a comedy writer on a major late night TV show, he lives in the middle of Manhattan with a wife I love and my grandson (who is actually and truly the greatest human to ever be born.)

Being back in Adm’s life, and his choice to make me such a part of his wonderful little family…well for me this is the greatest story of my life. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me. It makes me feel happy and complete in a way I could never dream of putting in words. It feels good, and it feels right, and it feels whole. It makes all those tears that teenaged me cried worth it to see the man he is now, and the family he’s creating on his own.

It’s very hard for me to give advice to young people in that situation. I know that it has worked out beautifully for me, but it doesn’t for everyone. I had a lot of things going for me at the time I got pregnant that made it easy for me. I was able to finish high school. My parents didn’t kick me out; my mother was my biggest support. And it was a different world in the 80s. However, I would always, and still advocate that adoption should be considered as a valid option in an unwanted or unplanned pregnancy. It is not for everyone, but it can turn out wonderfully.

Some names in this article have been changed.

The Self-Care Paradox: Seeking Restoration in the System We’re Working to Dismantle

Photo by Glodi Miessi on Unsplash

I just finished dicing strawberries for my daughter as my wife grabs a bib and wipes down the high chair. This could be a typical morning, but it’s not. News of George Floyd’s murder is streaming from my iPhone atop our cherry oak wood table. Since the COVID-19 quarantine began, we’ve sat and listened to a five-minute summary of current events during meals.

Still, it’s unsettling to hear: “and the officer held his knee on Floyd’s neck for eight minutes and forty-six seconds.” 

We don’t stop eating. We’re used to this. Used to making decisions that help us survive, while the ache of grief coils around our chest and makes it difficult to breathe. 

I tell my wife: “Listening to his story, and the story of every single other Black person brutalized by police never feels old.” We’ve never had much time in between these omniscient and filmed killings. I’m convinced they won’t end in my lifetime. 

It’s no different when I scroll on social media. The most draining and angering content these days is seeing friends and influencers share their support for #AllLivesMatter. Not only does it miss the point of the Black Lives Matter movement, but seeing these sentiments causes distrust to bubble up within me. If they can’t take a moment to center a group of people who’ve been marginalized, enslaved and disenfranchised since they were brought to this country, how can they truly care about me? 

At some point I stop holding silent debates in my head and log off.

I never speak for all Black people, no one does, but it’s evident that many of us are tired, upset and angry. Taking care of ourselves feels like a paradox. How do we seek refuge and restoration in the very system we’re working to dismantle? How do we seek rest when there’s unrest everywhere we look? And why is it up to us to make others feel comfortable enough to fight for us? Using words like racism seems to push away the very same people we need as allies — the kind that stand with us, fight with us and use their privilege to affect change on all levels.

Let’s call it what it is: racism. It’s systemic, it’s here, and it’s taken its toll on my physical and mental health.

I’m no longer living for myself. I have a wife and child who need me to show up as healthy as I can. Alas, this is my charge. As a Black man, I’m called to discover a way to beat the statistics. To manage diabetes passed down to me from my grandmother’s grandma. To continue to utilize mental health services like therapy and psychiatry so that I can process the trauma and heartache. I refuse to quit. Not now when I recognize how much of a hole I’d leave in the lives of those who love me. 

And so, that’s my why. That’s what prompts me to remove myself from the conversation and from the activism for long enough to breathe, heal what I can and sleep. 

If you’re looking for ways to practice better self-care in a time when everything is burning down, here’s are a few tips: 

Be purposeful on social media.

This means asking yourself: “How can I be intentional with the next 20 minutes I spend online?” It’s helped me to set restraints for myself. For example, I’ve muted words like “shooting” and “murdered” on Twitter. I’ve shut off video auto-play on Facebook. And I quickly mute or block accounts that are just out to upset or be blatantly hateful. I’ll admit, I’ve taken time to report users who’ve violated community standards, but even this has been a drain on my resources. So, now when I’m online, I’m more intentional about being informed, laughing at the hilarity that is Black Twitter and connecting with friends who are standing with me. 

Designate news hours. 

We only listen to news during meals, and typically in five minute to 20 minute chunks. We have narrowed our subscription down to one media source so that we’re not induated. Taking in news as a family allows it to be a conversational tool. This way we’re not hit with something heavy and then going on with the rest of our day without processing it. 

Lean on your affinity group. 

I’m a member of a few Facebook groups for Black people (one’s for education professionals and the other is for lovers of Black film). We need time to rest, because racial battle fatigue can exhaust us. It’s easy to get caught up in constantly performing, or defending one’s Blackness. We get to put ourselves in places where we’re nurtured, where we can breathe easy and where we can be ourselves without having to constantly explain ourselves. 

Each of us has the personal responsibility of choosing to do what’s healthy, but this isn’t always the most evident or even attractive option. So if you’re drowning right now, if you don’t know which way is up, I want you to know that you’re not alone, and that asking for help doesn’t make you weak or less than. Taking care of yourself isn’t an easy thing, but it’s a necessary thing. 

Writer, womanist and civil rights activist Audre Lorde said, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”

If you found value in this piece and would like to support my work as a Black writer, consider making a $25 donation:

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I Wouldn’t Be Surprised If I Was Shot When This Happened

John Boyega at a London protest.
Shuttershock

“I’m speaking to you from my heart,” Boyega told the crowd. “Look, I don’t know if I’m going to have a career after this, but f— that. This is a moment where we are now a physical representation of our mentality, of our shared idea that Black lives matter.” Words by John Boyega, Variety

Racism.

It’s not just the burning crosses, the hoods, the blackface, the lynchings, the killings, the inadequate healthcare, the traffic stops, the “Oh wow, you attended an ivy league?”, the being followed around the store, the park while birding, the final breaths while jogging, the “But, I don’t see color”, the “I worked hard to get to where I am. They should too”, the countless times they mistake you for the janitor or the sales associate no matter how you’re dressed, the countless times they ask you about when the doctor’s coming in even though you graduated medical school years ago and are highly applauded in your field, the look they give when you walk in a room because they pictured someone else from the phone interview. 

It’s not just the slurs slung ’round in your house as a kid, the clutch of a purse, the suburb you live in where the inhabitants are as homogeneous as the lawns. 

It’s all of this. It’s the stories. The ones that are untold. The ones your friends, coworkers, parishioners, patients, clients, and significant others silently and painfully hold. 

Here are a few of my own. 

I. 

Our university dining hall was basically the United Nations. At any given table you’d see someone from Nepal, Bulgaria, Trinidad, or Brooklyn, sitting and eating together. But diversity doesn’t equal inclusion.

Once, I asked several people from different countries: “Would your parents be okay if you married someone Black?”

Each person said no, quickly, without hesitation.

Some said their family might go so far as to disown them.

II. 

We sat in a parked car at a lake in Gresham, Oregon. Weeks before I moved there, my grandfather said I’d be a “speck of pepper in a bowl of milk.”

I sat in the passenger seat and my girlfriend was behind the wheel. The sun had just set, and there were no restrictions posted. It was okay for us to be there.

A cop pulled up after about 15 minutes. Moments later he was outside my window shining a bright flashlight in my face and asking for my ID. Not for my white girlfriend’s ID, mine. I handed it to him. I was shaking. My girlfriend said nothing. A few days prior, she told me she didn’t see color, we were all equal.

The officer never addressed her, he just returned my ID and told us we had to head home.

Years later, a cop pulled me over because I didn’t have a license plate on my front bumper. Pennsylvania, where I purchased my car, had different rules than Maryland. He did a warrant check on me, he asked me a few questions to see if the car was actually mine. It was a 30 minute interaction. My wife was on speakerphone the entire time. My knuckles lightening from gripping the steering wheel so tightly. She kept telling me I was okay and reminding me to breathe. I pulled off with a warning. It shouldn’t have been like this, I shouldn’t have had to fear for my life for a damn traffic stop. Still, if things would have escalated for some imaginary reason, I wouldn’t be surprised if I ended up dead.

III.

Someone stoked the fire as we shared stories from childhood. I was on break from college and wanted to catch up with guys I hadn’t seen since we were all nervous about middle school dances. Earlier that day, one guy treated me to an overpriced buffet. He said I didn’t owe him anything, he was just happy to see me.

It was getting late, but I didn’t want the fun to end. It felt like old times. Then they began talking about this race war that hit the neighborhood a few years back.

One said, “Those n*****s stole our bikes, messed with us, and were always looking for a fight. I’m glad one of them got locked up!” More laughter. But I sat with my head down.

It got silent.

All eyes on me.

I said, “I don’t have a problem with you using the word. I mean your people invented it!” I was incensed but my smile suggested they were all forgiven. We laughed and I excused myself. 

I haven’t spoken to them in over 10 years.

Resist.

There’s much you can do as the world collectively centers Black people.

You can support those in the Black LGBTQ+ community. You can support Black owned businesses in your city. You can support the families of Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and others whose lives have been devastated by racism and murder. 

Be wary of the litany of distractions that accompany any uprising, any call to wake up. Fannie Lou Hamer said, “Nobody’s free until everybody’s free.”

This is your burden too, no matter how far you believe you are from the problem.

If you would like to support my work as a Black writer, speaker, and educator, you can do so via: 

Cash App: $SinclairCeasar
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Your contribution is much appreciated.

Stop Waiting & Get What’s Yours

“Baby I’m too busy counting all these blessings, blessings” – Blessings x Lecrae ft. Ty Dolla $ign

Less qualified people have filled positions you’ve been hesitant to apply to. 

Let that sink in.

There’s no use in waiting another five years to do what you could do right now. Draft up the proposal. Get the resume edited. Call up your connections, and get your blessing. 

Listen, you getting your blessing isn’t a selfish thing. It’s actually worse if you don’t say yes to taking the necessary steps needed to actualize the dreams that have been burning inside you all this time. Saying yes means that others will be blessed. Your hard work, your talents, your gifts, your doing things even if you fail, will absolutely mean answered prayer for someone else.

And no, you may never hear about those prayers, but that isn’t for you. You don’t do it for the glory, you do it because you have to. 

Own that. 

You get to note the responsibility you hold as an educator, an artist, a songwriter, a parent, a lawyer, a student, a mentor, an accountant, a researcher, a police officer, a solider. The responsibility to use the abilities you were born with, to sharpen them by being a student of your craft, to seek feedback from those who are where you want to be. 

This post might make you upset because I’m calling you out. These words might be shining light on the places you’ve been ignoring.

But, you need this.

It’s time to stop thinking you’re not good enough. It’s time to imagine what your life would be like if doubt wasn’t an added ingredient.

People have failed you, but you’re still here, You’ve dropped out at some points along the way, but you’re still here. Your friends and family may be saying, “What are you even doing with your life?” but you are still here.

And because you exist, because you have breath in your body, means you have another opportunity (if only the next 24 hours) to surprise yourself. 

Don’t miss it. None of this discounts everything you’ve done in your life up until now. It doesn’t take away from every heart you’ve touched. It’s not a: “Your best wasn’t good enough, so do better.” No, this message is for the person who’s become comfortable letting others fill shoes that they know they should be wearing. 

You know who you are. Go and get yours. Go and do it like only you can. Don’t let another excuse keep you from it.

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But Actually, You Were Made For This

Photo by Zoe Graham on Unsplash

You’re gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow” Put Your Records On x Corrine Bailey Rae


You were wonderfully made, but you might have forgotten this because of all the:


heartbreak

disappointment

comparison

codependency

cold nights

layoffs

they never called back

they don’t want me

where’d they go

mistakes 

failures

semicolons 

full stops

If you look closely, none of those things were you. They happened to you, but they are not you. You are not the pain and tears and hardships. You are wonderfully made, full of gifts, and skill, and wit, and persistence. 

You didn’t make it this far by accident. Your mistakes have shaped you like river smoothed stones. Things fell apart, and in some ways, you fell into the person you were meant to be. 

There are few reminders of our brilliance. Our innate, God-given, brilliance. Let this serve as another one. Don’t miss it. Don’t allow it to tumble away. Don’t call it empty. Dare to call it truth. The truth about you.

The truth that’s evidenced by your: 

resilience

growth

curiosity

integrity

ability to (though very hard to do) admit where you messed up

scars

willingness to call them back at 3am because they’re going through it

untouched worth 

This is a hand reaching over to you from someone who knows what it’s like to forget who’s he is. 

And if you do believe it this time, that you were made well, hold onto that. You need it to remind the next person. Keep it going.

If you’ve made other’s stories about you your mirror, this is your permission to smash the glass. Step from the behind the veil of self-limiting beliefs established when they put you down, teased you, wrote you off, told you you’d never make it, set you up, gave you the idea that you weren’t who we need. 

Often, we’ve leaned so far into the lies we tell ourselves that we lose sight of our fullness. Of what we’re made of. Of how we used to overflow with a hunger for life, our knees skinned from us discovering our world. 

I’m reminded of who I used to be when I look at my daughter. When I see how she climbs all the things we don’t want her to climb because she just wants to know what’s on the other side of not knowing.

Where did your thirst go?

It never left. It’s still there. All of you. It’s all there. 

…

As we start a new week, as restrictions are slowly lifted, I invite you to explore those parts of yourself you’ve set aside, turned away from, pushed off, or downplayed. The bright places that those who love you see every time you enter a room. The places that are uniquely you. 

Think: 

What used to excite me?

What intrigued me?

What was I naturally good at?

What did I care about before they told me it wasn’t okay to care about?

What did I leave behind because I couldn’t take it with me at the time?

Where do I dim when I really could be turning it up a little? 

I assure you, dear reader, there’s more there than you’ve been accounting for. So much more. 

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For the Mothers: This is the Realist Thing I’ve Ever Written

Photo by sergio salamanca on Unsplash

“Dedicated to my mom and I swear my word is bond \ Everything will be OK and it won’t even take that long” The Calm x Drake

I.

Silence.

Then: “I’m sorry I missed your birthday again, son.” 

The treetops are waving like wacky wailing arm flailing tube men you see when driving past car dealerships. A Virgin Mobile flip phone rests down by my knee and restless shaking leg as I stare out my second floor bedroom window. This old house used to be a monastery and sits across from a small parish. While we painted every inch of wall, our home remains unassuming. The air is still and the space can be unnervingly quiet when no one else is here and your CD mix-tape has ended. 

At some point, silver clouds meet my misty-eyed gaze.

Rain might follow, but who can tell on a day like this, in a lush green state with a sky that hangs lower than anywhere else?

I’ve been doing a year of service for Jesuit Volunteer Corps Northwest in Gresham, Oregon for some time now, and have begun a reconciliation process with my parents after having an emotional spiritual advising session with a pastor at East Hill Church, because those are the type of ways you challenge yourself in this particular program in addition to training for half-marathons, living on $100 of disposable income per month, being what my grandfather called “a speck of pepper in a bowl of milk”, and living with four other people you’d never chose to live with otherwise but who will eventually become life-long friends.

It’s a reality show with no script, an experiment in solidarity, community, spirituality, and faith. 

The economy is a disaster. Obama is months into his first term. Teach for America received a record high of applications. Honduras is surviving earthquakes and coups. Many of the 20-somethings with whom I graduated from Saint Peter’s University are drowning in doubt and debt, and I’m here trying to mend things with my mother while living in voluntary poverty and dressed like I’m headed to Woodstock. 

“Hello…you there?” my mom asks. Her southern accent familiar as she curls her “r”. 

“I’m here,” I whisper back with a mix of frustration and sorrow. “It’s okay, mom. Don’t worry about it.”

“I really am sorry.” 

II.

Vulnerability wasn’t always in my friend group. Rather, I was quick to lead with humor or anger. But leading with the heart, my mother’s a master at that. 

For all the times I’ve been disappointed with my parents, I can think of a myriad of positive traits they’ve unknowingly passed along to me. My mom gave me her wide smile, her curiosity, her creative spirit, her love of dance, her propensity to try new things, her lack of patience with unethical leadership, and her thirst for life. She’s been praying for me in ways I’m recently learning to speak with God, and been working to actualize her dreams similar to how I’ve been hungry to craft a life for myself as a writer and a speaker.

If I were writing this 11 years ago when we were facing a different set of crises I’d have nothing but terrible things to say about my mother. I was a Black boy lost at sea, swimming in the infancy of budding grief. I wouldn’t tell you about countless soup kitchen counters she’s served behind, or about how much she’s ministered to complete strangers – often giving them a shoulder to cry on, or how she can easily see color and light in the most dire circumstances. I wouldn’t tell you about how bright she is, about her humility, about how seriously she takes her relationship with the Lord.

Younger me couldn’t see past the pain. And when he could, at times he chose not to. I was reluctant to carry a shred of grace because grace could put a cap on my anger. I didn’t want a salve for my resentment. If we’re being honest, I’d really only share about the places my mother fell short. “Way way way short,” I’d say with a punch of judgment in my tone. 

But healing can takes us places, especially when we work it (and I’m finally working it with God). I’m in a different, better place where nuance and gray areas live, where breathing is easier and less strenuous like when you finally take your mask off after leaving Target.

Where I can’t shout: “WHY weren’t you there all those years!” without considering: my mother’s struggles; the places where she still slips; the sad little girl within her needing restoration. I can’t complain without considering how a lot of parents are far from feeling (or being) prepared to care for a new life. How scary and complicated that can be whether your child was rescued from a dangerous living situation, or born with a compromised immune system, or was initially raised by your sibling but can no longer live there. And now, you’re their mother, a giant in their eyes. 

I can’t preach to my mom about the long term consequences of abandonment or divorce on a child without thinking about how much my father put her through. Without considering that no matter how distant she might have been in the past, I have her in my life now, in a time where so many have lost their mothers to cancer, stress, dementia, addiction, environmental racism, domestic violence, overdose, mental illness, or the hard thing of being a woman (especially a Black woman) in this world. 

While my hurts and wounds are very much present and valid, so is the truth that God heals, God can, and God will. He’s brought me to a place where I can talk with my mother about her new multi-level marketing venture without becoming incensed or condescending. I can be happy for her while disagreeing with her decisions. I can look at her through my own brokenness the same way she viewed me during the year after my mind malfunctioned. 

My Verizon phone bill reflects daily calls to her and from her. 2019 calls filled with prayer, new perspectives, stories from her present life as a private taxi driver, laughter, and reminders that I still had a shot at life. That she still loved her son even though he felt so unlovable. That she was continually praying for his marriage, her daughter-in-law, and her granddaughter. 

I smile at the memories of my mom showing up to every graduation. At how proud she looked during the entire Mother’s Day brunch following my grad school commencement. At how lovely she looked walking me down the aisle at my wedding on the most gorgeous July day you’ve ever seen. At how loving and playful she is when talking to my 16-month-old on speakerphone. 

Yes, I still hold resentment. I’ve woken up crying, reaching for someone who wasn’t there when I faced 5th grade bullies or had 7th grade basketball games. For someone who lived several states away. Who forgot birthdays and milestones. Who had enough of a challenge raising her other, younger, four children. 

There are cracks in this Black man who’s still learning what it means to love a Black woman when he didn’t see it done in healthy ways as a child. Still, I’m inspired by Maya Angelou’s words: “Do the best you can until you know better, then when you know better do better.” 

III.

I hold appreciation for all the moms that have “adopted” me along the way. For the aunties, grandmas, cousins, teachers, youth group leaders, tv moms (I see you season one Aunt Viv), friend’s moms who took me in, church mothers, all of them. 

I salute the moms in your life – no matter what side of life or joy they are on. 

Much love to the soccer moms, the accidental moms, the single moms, the step-moms, the baby-mamas, the moms grieving their baby, the moms who say, “Just call me, Tracey. I’ll always be here for you and your brother and I know I’m new in your life and I have to earn your trust,” the moms who feel like they’re in a constant fumbling motion and are messing everything up when their kids are just glad to be loved, to the moms in active duty overseas, to the moms in rehab, to the moms trying to get their children back, to the moms working nights and weekends and all day as well. 

I hold an ever present awareness that days like yesterday can be complicated. That they’re happy for some and dreadful for some and just another Sunday for others. That tear soaked flowers were left on cold tombstones, and some bouquets weren’t even purchased. I’m aware that being a new mother while not having your own mother can be a hollow chamber of devastation all it’s own. 

I invite you to join me this week as I take time thinking about the ones who took care of me. Who did the best they could. Who – whether there in person or spirit or otherwise – sought to protect us, teach us, raise us, and/or encourage us. And if this is too painful for you to do, well as with anything, take care of yourself. This might not be the time, and that’s alright

I’m off to call my mom.

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