The Toll of Misogyny: One Woman’s Story

The past week has been tiring.

Watching a woman, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, have to reluctantly come forward to tell her story of sexual violence in a public way has been hard. My first response when I read the headline that the anonymous accuser had come forward was fear.

I immediately knew that this woman would be attacked, and that she would be dismissed, and her claims disregarded as opportunistic or politically motivated.

This cycle is so common in our society that it is all too predictable. It was like a punch in the gut.

I believe Dr. Ford, just as I believe all women who come forward about sexual violence and harassment. Why, you ask? How can I be so sure that they aren’t making it up? Because I have a lifetime of experience with misogyny.

As a girl, I was a late bloomer. I started high school with the body of a prepubescent boy. I was a little on the chubby side, with no hips or breasts. By tenth grade, this was the subject of much ridicule. I was made fun of for being flat-chested.

However, just one year later, everything changed. By the end of eleventh grade, I had developed very large breasts, which soon became the center of a lot of discussions. The rumor was that I must had had a boob job because they seemed to have come out of nowhere. What I never said out loud was that there was no way in hell that I would have sought out my 36DD breasts.

Out of nowhere, it felt as if they had taken over my body. They seemed to be all that other people could notice about me. I would never have asked for that type of attention to my body. Never.

The first time that a boy put his hands on my body without my consent was in high school, after my late blooming body developed. He couldn’t wait to get his hands on my breasts. The moment I finally moved his hand away and told him to stop, he got up and walked away.

Having grown up being taught that I should avoid being raped, I assumed that I had invited this interaction. I must have been flirting with him too much, or I must have somehow suggested to him that I wanted him to be on top of me.

Plus, he was really, really cute. I was supposed to feel lucky that he was interested in me, right? No. He wasn’t interested in me. He was interested in having his hands on my body, which was evidenced by his never speaking to me again afterwards.

When I got to college, I realized that either I would be the one to talk about my boobs and make the jokes or someone else was going to. If not join in with the jokes, what else was I supposed to do? If I made the joke first, at least I could maintain some power in the situation, right?

If I was the one to make the joke, then I didn’t have to wait for one of them to do it–because it was always only a matter of time. I laughed. We all laughed. However, I hated my body more with every joke and every chuckle. I resented how I was so quickly and easily minimized to nothing more than a pair of boobs.

When I was eighteen, I went on a family vacation with my parents and my sister. One day, we were on the beach and the beach club next door announced a wet t-shirt contest with the participants all getting free beer.

My parents actually encouraged me to participate. While I appreciate that my parents weren’t interested in slut shaming– in fac, they always encouraged me to have full ownership of my body– it was still complicated to try and make meaning of their suggestion. Should I be using my body for free drinks? All I wanted to do was rage against a world that could commodify my body so easily.

Ultimately, I made the decision to have a breast reduction when I was twenty-three. There were a ton of reasons why this was something that I physically needed. I suffered from consistent neck, shoulder, and back pain, but what I have never said aloud was that I had just as many reasons as to why I needed the surgery emotionally.

I was so tired of being boiled down to my body parts, tired of strangers looking at my chest instead of my eyes, tired off others assuming that I was ditzy or easy. I was tired of men making the assumption that their eyes and hands had a right to be on or near my body.

I didn’t know how to live in this world, in this body, with these parts, without being in a constant state of shame and rage– so I quite literally cut them off.

Little did I know that all of this wouldn’t go away with the three pounds of breast tissue that they took out of my body.

Just last spring, I was at a professional conference when a man I didn’t know decided it was appropriate to scan his eyes up and down my body and let me know how beautiful he thought that I was. He suggested that because I was “gorgeous,” he might hire me to come to his campus. This man’s job was to oversee sexual assault complaints at a college; it was noted on his name badge.

The worst part wasn’t his actions. It’s that I immediately felt ashamed and small. I had newly started my own business and was practicing pitching my work at a conference for the first time. After this happened, it took me three months to pitch my work to another stranger. Three months. Do you know how much lost income that is?! He walked away and continued on with his business while I, even after all of these years, was made to feel small and ashamedagain.

Even today, when I tell men that I am gay, I am often met with a wry smile. The glimmer in their eyes tell me, that even this is about his pleasure and not my identity.

People who ask the question as to why women don’t speak up are missing the whole point. They are asking about a specific interaction without recognizing an entire system. These are not individual instances of sexual harassment, they are a part of a system that was designed to keep women small and quiet. What do I gain by speaking up? In just a couple of days, Dr. Ford has already received death threats and had to move her family from their home for safety. Tell me. What has she gained? What did Anita Hill gain?

These are my experiences. I am a white, feminine-presenting, cis-gender woman. For women of color, these experiences of sexual harassment are even more pronounced. There is an added layer of racism at play.

Dr. Kimberle Crenshaw is a legal scholar who coined the term “intersectionality.” Her work highlights how Black women uniquely experience discrimination, because both sexism and racism are at play; neither experience can be isolated from the other. Crenshaw’s work extends to all women of color and all those who occupy multiple marginalized identities.

This includes queer women, women with disabilities, and Muslim women, as a few examples. Dr. Crenshaw was a part of Anita Hill’s legal team when she faced horrifying treatment by an all-male Senate Judiciary Committee, led by Democrat Joe Biden, when they were nominating Justice Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court.

Further, trans* women of color face profound violence that is rooted in misogyny, sexism, racism, and homophobia. Violence against trans* women of color is a national crisis, with 2018 set to be the deadliest year on record.

The experiences that I’ve had felt horrible, but they pale in comparison to the experiences of many others. We have to shift from looking at harassment and sexual assault as individual instances of violence in order to recognize the systemic nature of violence against women, trans* and gender non-conforming people.

Women choose to speak out or stay silent; and we get to make that choice. We get to choose whether we report it immediately or, like me, we wait until our rage is overflowing to speak about it for the first time.

Accept responsibility for the things you’ve done. Do the work to undo your internalized sexism and need for dominance. Listen to women.

We come forward in the midst of #metoo conversations, in therapy, or in conversations with our trusted sisters and friends. These decisions are ours alone and they are deeply personal, but, honestly, I think we stay silent because there is no evidence that coming forward will benefit us at all.

Until our society at large is prepared to believe womenand I mean all women: white women, women of color, queer women, gender non-conforming folks, sex workers, immigrant women, and the list goes onwhy would we risk further shame by speaking out?

Men, you can play in instrumental role in all of this. First, you can change your own behaviors. I am willing to guess that many of you can see yourself reflected somewhere in this story. That’s fine, as long as you can admit where you have mistepped and get to work to undo these violent systems of sexism and misogyny.

Accept responsibility for the things you’ve done. Do the work to undo your internalized sexism and need for dominance. Listen to women.

Encourage your friends and the men in your circles to listen to and believe women. And don’t ever stop working to dismantle this system that you are keeping together with your silence. I ask you, sincerely, to please believe me.

Believe all women. Listen to us and our stories and then have the courage to see yourself in them. Only then can you really work to make amends.

In my experience, it is near impossible to be a woman who defines herself in the world. Each time one of us does, let us celebrate our courage audacity to take back our power and tell our stories.

💎💎💎

Dr. Victoria Farris is the founder of Farris Consulting where she serves as a consultant, trainer, speaker, and coach working to support equity and inclusion in higher education. Victoria received her Ed.D. in higher education management from the University of Pennsylvania, where she earned double distinction for her research on the role that White people can play in disrupting systemic racism in higher education. She also holds a Master’s degree in Education from the University of Connecticut, and a Bachelor’s of Arts from Marist College. With over a dozen years of experience supporting students’ learning outside of the classroom, Victoria has served as both an associate dean of students and dean for residence life. Victoria is committed to disrupting systemic racism by supporting higher education institutions, and professionals, in cultivating more inclusive campus environments so that all students, staff, and faculty can thrive. Learn more about Dr. Farris and connect: Twitter + Instagram + Web.

 

It’s time we start celebrating them instead of shaming them: a Q+A w/ Mandy Hale

You’re very open and willing to talk about God on Instagram. Have you always had faith in a God?

Not always.

I was raised in a Christian home and grew up in Baptist churches, but it wasn’t until I was 20 that my relationship with God became real.

Over the past 20 years of being a believer, I’ve certainly had my ups and downs with my faith. These days, I don’t so much consider myself a “Christian” as I do a “follower of Christ.”

It might seem an inconsequential distinction, but there are so many negative connotations with Christianity today and so many public figures proclaiming to be “Christians” but acting like anything but… I’m not super comfortable with the label anymore.

What it comes down to is pretty simple: I love Jesus, and, in my life, I try my best to follow His lead and His greatest commandment, which is “Love one another.”

Can you talk about your spiritual practice or practices?

I try to do daily devotionals and spend quiet time in prayer and communion with God. I don’t always succeed at doing this daily, but I try. I think quiet time is really important because we’re always taught to talk at God through prayer and not so much to just sit and listen for what He might have to say to us.

I don’t currently have a church but I’m looking for one. I also enjoy meditation and try and make it a weekly practice. At this point in my life, I feel closer to God in nature than anywhere else. I try to spend time outdoors, just soaking in His creations, whenever I can.

How does writing fit into your practices?

For me, writing has always been a very holy thing. I find myself in my writing. I reclaim parts of myself in my writing. I come to understand why things happened the way they did through my writing.

I’ve always said that every time I go in search of the right words to say, the words always end up finding me before I find them, if that makes sense. Writing is my sanctuary, my safe place, where I go to unravel everything that happens in my life and see how it fits into the bigger picture.

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Your book is titled “You Are Enough.” Have you always felt enough? If not, how did you get there?

I’m still getting there! In the book, I talk about how the journey to “enough-ness” is never complete. It’s a process.

I have definitely learned not to subscribe my worth and my value to anything outside of myself. My worth comes from within and from above. But I definitely have days where I still feel lacking or incomplete.

I think, ultimately, what it comes down to is learning to love EVERY version of yourself… the sad one, the happy one, the whole one, the hurting one, the healing one, the heartbroken one, and so on and so forth. THAT is wholeness to me.

Can you talk about your instagram handle @thesinglewoman?

Sure! I started my Twitter page over eight years ago now, almost as a fluke, to promote my blog. I had no idea when I created The Single Woman Twitter handle, that I was creating a brand.

I wanted to be The Single Lady, after the Beyonce song! But that handle was already taken. So The Single Woman it was. I started off sharing my journey as a single woman and the lessons I was learning along the way, and over the years it’s evolved into something much bigger and all-encompassing. Now I just talk about LIFE.

The give and take and push and pull and highs and lows of life. I like to think anyone can relate to my message, single or otherwise. It’s been really cool to see how over the years as I’ve grown and evolved, my readers have grown and evolved with me. Some of them have gotten married, had kids, etc., and they’re still faithful followers of my message. It’s a very special thing, and I’m honored to have been given such a platform.

The journey of The Single Woman will always carry a special place in my heart, regardless of where my life takes me.

Where do you find connection?

My family. My friends. The occasional venture into online dating! In all seriousness, I think as we get older, we have to go in search of connection and community. It doesn’t just find us like it did when we were younger.

I try to put myself out there and meet new people as often as I can, whether it’s through volunteering or taking a dance class or whatever.

Writing is my sanctuary, my safe place, where I go to unravel everything that happens in my life and see how it fits into the bigger picture. – Mandy Hale

What are your unshakable values and when did you become clear on them?

We’re here to love everyone. To be love in action to everyone. We are here to be all-inclusive of everyone. Absolutely EVERYONE, always.

In my chosen faith, all too often, people cherry pick scriptures to fit their own narrow-minded viewpoints and what it all boils down to is this: Jesus said His greatest commandment is to love Him first, love our neighbor second. ALL of our neighbors, regardless of sex, race, religion, background, sexual orientation, political affiliation, etc. LOVE EVERYONE.

I’ve been clear on this for some time now. I’ve been vocal about affirming my values and beliefs for some time now. It’s not always a popular opinion here in the Bible belt, unfortunately, but it’s what I believe at the very core of my being and I won’t waver or apologize for it.

When was a time that self-doubt was at its worst for you while on your career and life journey?

In my new book, “You Are Enough,” I take readers on this journey with me, through the season in my life when I was at my very lowest. Due to being thrown a series of great curve balls and enduring a string of heartbreaking losses, I became very depressed and had to address my depression and anxiety with intensive outpatient therapy. ‘

It was the hardest and also the most beautiful experience of my life. I’m excited to share this journey with my readers and, hopefully, help shine a light in some dark places, places that carry great stigma and shame.

In our culture, and especially within the Christian culture, we are taught that mental health struggles equals weakness. Nothing could be further from the truth. P

eople who struggle with mental health issues and still keep putting one foot in front of the other are some of the strongest people on earth. It’s time we start celebrating them instead of shaming them.

What’s something you’re working to unlearn?

I’m 40 and I’m working to unlearn the idea that I’m “not where I’m supposed to be at age 40.”

I thought I’d be married with three kids by now! Most of my friends from high school have teenagers and I haven’t even gotten started. But I’m slowly learning that life can look however you want it to look at any age. I’m still getting there… but I’m working on it.

There’s nowhere you’re “supposed to be” except exactly where you are. There’s no set way to do this life thing. You can have pizza for breakfast and cereal for dinner and kids at age 40 and beyond if you want to.

It’s all up to YOU.

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What’s the last thing you did for self-care and why is self-care important for you?

I have days, usually Sundays, where I don’t work or do anything that requires a ton of mental energy. I rest and wear PJs all day and read and nap and watch movies. It’s so necessary to allow yourself downtime in this crazy world we live in.

It’s okay to shut out the world for a day or a weekend and just soak in the blissful quiet. Allow your body and mind to rest and heal. If you never put your cell phone down and allow it to recharge, eventually it will die. Same goes for us.

We need to carve out time for ourselves to recharge, in whatever way we need to. It looks different for everyone, and that’s okay.

It’s years in the future. You’re on stage to accept an award for your life’s work. What’s your five word acceptance speech?

Answer: Wow, that’s a great question! Hmmmm. “I’m grateful for the journey.”

💎💎💎

Blogger turned New York Times best-selling author and speaker Mandy Hale is the creator of “The Single Woman,” a social media movement designed to inspire single women – and everyone! – to live their best lives and to never settle. Mandy’s message reaches literally millions of people across the world every day through her blog, books, and social media platforms. Learn more about Mandy and connect: Instagram + Twitter + Web

🔥🔥🔥 Get your copy of You Are Enough today! 🔥🔥🔥🔥

 

 

 

There’s no other way out but through: a Q+A w/ Nita Baum

When was the last time you practiced self-care and why is self-care important to you?

I’m practicing it as I write this. I’m breathing. I’m sitting in solitude. I’ve created a gentle and calm environment because the week has been busy and people-filled.

I’m carving time to go slow, pause, and take deep breaths. I also practiced yoga earlier, as I do every day. It’s like brushing my teeth. It’s integral to how I roll!

Taking care of myself is a contribution to my sustainability and to that of everyone in relationship to me, that is to say, everyone everywhere. The more I take care of myself, the better off I am, the better I am able to contribute and be an instrument of the work, change, transformation I seek to embody and that I espouse in the world.

Self-care is also about tuning the “container” – mind – body – and clearing/cleaning them of doubt and obstacles and distractions. It  liberates a lot of creative lifeforce. It is preparation. The spirit flows more easily through the container when the container is clear.

 

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Did you always want to be an entrepreneur?

Nope! I always wanted to be an instrument of change and positive social impact in the world. I cared about people and the planet pretty much since I arrived on it so I just wanted to reduce people’s suffering and address the inequities, injustices and shadows I saw in the world.

Business and entrepreneurship was a vehicle for me to plug into the existing marketplace- which I view as a place where we can all share, contribute, and exchange our inner light, potential, gifts, talents, and creations. It’s a spiritual marketplace as much as it’s an economic or material one. That’s the lens I bring to it.

What are the most important skills you have as a business owner and leader?

Self-awareness,. self-responsibility, and self-trust are the most critical leadership skills that I am always attending to, in the practice of and developing as a leader. The more aware I am of myself and how I show up, the more effectively I can contribute what I have to offer and the better I understand the people around me.

The more responsible I am for myself, the less I burden those around me with wants and needs that I, myself, am capable of fulfilling from within. And power and responsibility go together. If I locate the responsibility for things outside of myself – i.e. blame others or the world for how I’m feeling or what I’m experiencing, my power goes right out with that blame!

The more responsible I am for my own experience, the more power I have to create what that is. This applies to business relationships in very concrete ways and allows me to navigate them much more effectively and efficiently; I spend less time worrying, doubting, feeling disempowered. And more time listening, considering my actions, behaviors, and opportunities.

Finally, trusting myself – the idea that who I am, exactly as I am is plenty enough, allows me to make bolder moves and take the risk of being authentic, which sometimes means being radical, going against conventional wisdom, and forging a different kind of path.

So far, so good. I don’t think I’d be fulfilled any other way. And people and clients respond. I think we actually really want to meet and connect with the real versions of each other.

So much of what I learned through my work and life experiences could best be summed up as this: the change we seek in the world cannot manifest unless we ourselves are the change. – Nita Baum

What’s the best part about being a freelancer?

The freedom and autonomy to listen to my natural rhythms, cycles, and needs whether they be for rest, solitude, or to roam freely through the wilderness of my creativity are some of the best things about being a freelancer.

Getting to read, study, and be self-directed in my own learning and professional growth journey is also amazing. I never felt I had enough time to simply immerse myself in deep study, thought and reflection when I was working. It seemed unproductive back then.

It’s super-generative for me and feels great now! Being free to create when I am in a state that demands that I do so is also a true gift, whether what I’m creating is a budget, a chapter in a book I’m writing, curriculum for our program or designing a workshop.

What’s the worst part about being a freelancer?

I find this honestly hard to answer. I wouldn’t choose not to be one. Having to pay for your own health insurance sucks. Having the time to be proactive about self-care is awesome though.

Why is it important to emphasize individuals’ sustainability and well-being in freelance and business at large?  

I think this quote by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. sums it up best: “In a real sense all life is inter-related. All men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be…this is the inter-related structure of reality.”

The sustainability and well-being of the individual is contingent on that of the collective and vice versa. They are mutually reinforcing. For us all to thrive and not just survive, each of us must thrive.

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What are the origins of b*free?

In 2012, Alight, my first business, a freelance strategy, policy and org change consultancy was thriving but/and I was aware that I was ready to pivot. I had an internal sense of misalignment with the values of the organizations I was working with, and there was a nascent, if growing sense, that there was a next step in my personal growth and development journey (to me, that’s life, a learning journey).

I had changed and learned so much since first founding Alight, a freelance strategy, policy and org change consultancy intended to make large-scale positive social impact primarily through the education sector.

So much of what I learned through my work and life experiences could best be summed up as this: the change we seek in the world cannot manifest unless we ourselves are the change. In short, we – each of us- needs to embody the change we seek to see in the world.

Why? Well, because each of us alone and all of us together are the world. With that growing awareness, I served as the architect of an experimental process for myself that made me very uncomfortable.

With the luxury of savings, I decided to put my work on hold and embark on a journey I later called “Curating My Inspiration” (curating comes from “curare” which means “to take care”) which involved becoming very discerning, deliberate and mindful about what I consumed- from conversations to music to talks to food to the air I breathed to art I experienced to relationships.

By “curate” I mean, I preserved what resonated, paused/exited what didn’t, tried new things that resonated, and engaged deeply with those things.

The primary intention was  “only consume that which resonates with my inner knowing very deeply.” The experiment was based on the idea that if I aligned what I consumed to only what felt most resonant, perhaps what I would create/produce would also be aligned to my deeper knowing. Vary the inputs to vary the outputs? During that process, I realized a lot about myself, my capacity as a leader, and also reflected on the whitespace in my life and realized the I had been working with would-be freelancers + solopreneurs of all stripes on a pro bono basis (a couple hundred people! without even realizing it). I could see the patterns and convergence in what they were seeking. That period of reflection also made me clearer on my own skills.

And ultimately, at the end of 9 months, the idea for b*free was born! b*free would integrate multiple threads of my background: personal development, wellness, and business skills to equip individuals with a holistic approach to working and living sustainably and freely.

Whether we are working with freelancers/solopreneurs or leaders/teams, we take that holistic approach and ecosystem view of the individual as mind-body-spirit at work, and attend to the whole individual through our programs and learning experiences.

When was a time that self-doubt was at its worst for you while on your career and life journey?

When I first quit my last full-time job and was asked the question, “Who are you and what do you do?” I didn’t know how to answer that without stumbling over myself and getting in my own way.

At every turn, I encountered some inner narrative I held about what  I should have been, wasn’t and therefore, why I was “wrong” for being who I was. I felt like I was supposed to have answers I didn’t have. It was so rough. And so beautiful.

It led to this question: When I can no longer define myself by the school, organization, or groups with which I am affiliated, who am I? That became a transformative journey of self-discovery. It taught me a lot about the way I wanted to do business and life as well.

What’s one challenge you face in your work that you’re still working on navigating?

As a 40-year old who looks young, as a woman of color who is “petite” as many people describe me, I sometimes find myself feeling the need to prove my strength, to tell people my age, to dispel the perception that I am weak because I am physically small and lesser because I’m colorful.  

I experiment with how to navigate this. Do I need to address perceptions people may have of me? To what end? Historically, I opted not to. It didn’t seem valuable. It seemed a lot more about my ego and fairly self-indulgent. Also, usually, the moment I open my mouth to voice myself, the perception shifts in my favor. People listen. They trust me.

They know I’m serious and can sense I really care, listen, and having something to contribute. More recently, I’ve begun seeing the challenge differently now. It feels like in addressing it, I’m taking a stand. I stand for women. I stand for people of color. I stand for building a more inclusive, just, and equitable world.  

I stand for all of us being seen,voiced, heard, expressed and being valued on the basis of our merits.

So, I have decided that if I feel there’s unconscious bias at play in my relationships, I’ll raise it. To be in the inquiry of it. To learn. To learn together with whomever I’m discussing it with. I’ve done it and I’ve found it has opened up very positive and healthy dialogue. I’m in the ongoing inquiry of navigating all this and it’s uncomfortable in ways I welcome, resist!, and know that I grow from.

What are your unshakable values and when did you become clear on them?

I presume abundance in all of humanity. We come free, gifted, equal, in power and grounded. I became clear the more I paid attention and listened to what I heard and what was reflected back to me through all of my relationships including the one to myself. Listening has been key to becoming clear.

I stand for all of us being seen,voiced, heard, expressed and being valued on the basis of our merits. – Nita Baum

What’s something you’re working to unlearn?

I’m still unlearning that my worth is contingent on how much I give. I am inherently worthy of this incredible gift that is life. May my contributions do that justice and honor.

And may I keep learning that contributing to my own well-being is one of the best contributions I can make to the world. I am part of the world. As I heal me, I heal us.

What is one piece of advice you’d give to someone struggling with self-doubt and feeling like giving up on their dreams?

There’s no other way out but through!

  • What if you embrace self-doubt, but/and! treat it as a step on the pathway to self-discovery?
  • What happens if you get curious about what your self-doubt has to tell you?
  • What it wants to illuminate for you?
  • How can you do this?

First notice the physical and emotional sensations that arise with the doubt. Locate them in your body. Where are the sensations?

Ask them a question, with a sense of curiosity about that answer, and then listen for the answer. “What are you here to tell me, sensation-that- feels-like-self-doubt? What information are you here to offer me?” 

on’t stop til you get an answer that is an opening, instead of a dead end. Judgments lead to dead ends. “You’re bad.” “You can’t do this.” “You’re not worthy.”

These statements don’t really open a doorway. Not a wide enough one to walk through anyway. They are door closers. By contrast, “Your ops plan isn’t detailed enough and you forgot to add that travel expense to your line item budget.”

Or. “Oh psych! I am just a temporary sensation and I’m going away now. Nothing here to see. You’re good. Keep on going!”

The array of possible answers that arise when you get curious vs. judge, is vast. And that clarity diminishes the power of the doubt. It reveals what’s behind the veil of doubt.

It’s years in the future. You’re on stage to accept an award for your life’s work. What’s your five word acceptance speech?

May all beings be free.

Who are a few amazing people that we should follow and why?

Bryan Santiago is an incredibly gifted creative strategist who helps great people amplify their work in the world. He’s been instrumental at b*free.

Darren Harley, founder of Open to Change and author of the book by the same name. His book is a beautiful guide for the journey of becoming free, becoming who you are. 

Jahan Mantin and Boyuan Gao of Project Inkblot created Design for Diversity, which helps illuminate blind spots around cultural and racial biases in how we design content, products, and services. Such beautiful work that is building awareness and raising consciousness. 

Prashant Goel is the founder of Imaginally, and is an incredibly compassionate, intelligent and skilled coach. Words don’t do him justice. Just work with him! 

Eduardo Placer is the incredibly gifted and mult-talented founder of Fearless Communicators, a dynamic public speaking coaching agency that empowers leaders and change-makers to share their voice and story from a space of authentic POWER and uses the mind, body, and spirit to unlock people’s voices.

💎💎💎

Nita’s an entrepreneur, facilitator, coach and the founder of b*free, a human experience and culture company. Individuals are the creative life-force of an organization, whether they are building and leading an org or working at one. Equipped with a holistic ecosystem view of the individual as mind-body-spirit at work, we design transformative learning experiences and provide advisory, coaching and facilitation services for individual and organizational transformation, sustainability and well-being. Learn more about Nita and connect: Twitter + Web + Services. Send Nita an email at info@bfree.live to learn more about 1 to 1 coaching, their online program- coming soon!

 

Stop letting people dictate how you feel.

Stop letting people dictate how you feel every second of the day!

I know. This is yet another message telling you to stop, go, or continue. But, we need that kick in the ass sometimes.

And I’m totally speaking to myself – as I usually am with most things I write because we’re everyone else.

I’m in Costa Rica right now at a week-long, intense ass, deep ass, challenging ass, jujitsu retreat. It’s kicking my ass.

But, I’m here and I’m realizing how much power I actually have. Like Super Saiyan 4 power.

I’m learning a lot about myself in other areas as well. I’m realizing that I often allow people’s attitudes dictate how I feel. I let others actions dictate how I feel. I let other’s BULLSHIT dictate how good or bad my life is.

No more. NO MORE.

That’s why I’ve been telling myself. I’ve been thinking, “Is it possible for me to have peace in the midst of everyone else’s bullshit?”

Then a better question pops up: “Do I get to have peace? Do I actually deserve that shit? Am I worthy of it?”

I went through a lot of violence as a kid. My dad used to beat, punch, and choke the shit outta me. He used to tell me that I was small and unworthy of living.

Middle school was hell.

High school was a little better, but I wanted to die by suicide by then.

I’ve been through some shit, and the message I often operate is: Sinclair, you have play it small because you are small. You don’t get to be happy or relaxed until others say you are.

And if someone is having a bad day or is irritated or they have a grumpy ass look on their face, my immediate thought is that I did something wrong. That I messed up. That I need to run up to my room and hide until dad tells me I’m good to come out.

No matter how much we’ve healed, the trauma is still there. The pain is still there. Maybe not to as high of a degree, but our bodies don’t forget.

So, I learn to forgive myself for freaking out on the bad days. I learn to give myself grace for letting other’s actions and demeanor impact my shit, my chi. I learn to breathe.

And when I forget those lessons, I suffer.

So, if you’re suffering right now it’s okay. If you’re judging yourself and saying mean things to yourself, that’s okay. If you’ve let someone else’s hell become your hell, that’s okay.

And, it’s also okay to let that shit go. To breathe deeply for a moment. And repeat that until you feel relaxed. Maybe you need to get on the floor like I do and have the lights off and just think about a time in your life when you were safe. Maybe you need to get up and dance that shit out. Maybe you need to sign up for a one day, three day, or week-long getaway.

Whatever it is, go do it. Do it and then let feelings of worthiness catch up. Don’t wait to feel worthy before you take care of yourself. Give yourself the permission to take care of yourself while you feel like complete shit.

And then let me know who that goes for you. Email me, tweet me, hit me up. I wanna know. Let’s lift each other up.

Let’s give this our best shot. Today. Because today, now, is what counts. You are what counts and so am I.

xo,

Sinclair

I try to act in spite of those fears: a Q+A w/ Paul Jarvis

What was the first thing you did after finishing your new book “Company of One” ?  

I sent it to my editor at my publisher to start editing. Finishing the book was only one small step in the process and was probably the halfway point in the entire project. I felt great that it was finished, for sure, but knew there was still a ton of work left to do.

What’s the best part of being a freelancer?

I haven’t actually been a freelancer in about 4-5 years. I stopped working with clients when my products started taking off. When I was a freelancer, my favorite thing was being able to work with interesting people, learn about their business, and then help them by applying my expertise to their work. I’m still friends with many of my previous clients too.

And the worst part of being a freelancer?

It’s hard to turn off work mode. Because when you’re a freelancer, if you aren’t working, you aren’t making money, so it’s difficult to stop working sometimes.

What’s something you wish you could say to your 16 year old self?

Drop out of school immediately. I wasted time finishing high school and then doing university for a little while, when neither taught me anything and just caused a whole lot of grief and frustration.

And really, no one (at least in my line of work) gives a shit about degrees or where you attended school or even if you did at all. If I had started working full-time at 16, I would have learned far more important lessons in the real world, instead of being stuck in a school that was pretty useless.

Do you set any boundaries for yourself around technology and social media? 

I wouldn’t call them boundaries, more like I just don’t care enough about technology or social media to use them a whole lot. Since both are mainly for work, I don’t use either most nights.

I do like to wind down at night and get to bed early, so I don’t use a computer after about 6 PM most days. And then I stop watching TV or streaming by about 9 PM, so I can read for an hour or two before bed. I find that routine helps me get to sleep the quickest.

When was a time that self-doubt was at its worst for you while on your career and life journey?

For me at least, self-doubt has never gone away. I still feel it every day, every time I take on anything new, every time things seem like they’re going right. Probably the biggest stretch of self-doubt was when I transitioned from freelancing to products.

I was at the peak of my freelancer career in terms of revenue and notoriety, but I gave it up to pursue creating products (like books, software, and courses), which at the time were completely unknown.

Regardless of self-doubt being ever present, I try to act in spite of those fears, instead of letting those fears control me.

What do creative folks get wrong when they are going into business for themselves?

What I’ve noticed is that most folks want to do something creative for a living because they don’t think it needs to be treated like a job. But if you want to get paid for creative work, it HAS to be a job.

So even if you’re doing something like art, writing, design, etc., you’ve still got to run a business. You’ve still got to focus on things like taxes, accounting, administration, sales, marketing, legal… Otherwise–and this is fine too–be creative as a hobby and worry about none of those things!

I don’t believe in being inspired or motivated, and then accomplishing something, because that’s hard to do. I like to just get to work and then be inspired and motivated by what I’ve done, instead of hoping what I can do in the future will be fulfilling from the inspiration. – Paul Jarvis

What do they get right?

If they get it right, they realize and notice a clear need from their target audience to provide a creative skill that other people are willing to pay for. If that happens, then the business side is much easier to deal with (everything is easier in business when there’s revenue).

In the blog post titled What’s the point of productivity you wrote, “A lot of the time, I’m happier when I’m less productive.” What do  you like to fill your time with when you’re not being super productive?

It depends on the day, ha. Mostly I enjoy: hiking, yoga, biking, working out at the gym, watching football with my wife, being in my garden, building things with my hands, going for long drives in the country.

Those things are productive for other reasons, like mental clarity and keeping myself as sane as possible.

What are your unshakable values and when did you become clear on them?

For me, my work has never been about being the biggest company, so I’ve always challenged the idea that growth is beneficial or that growth is always the byproduct of success.

It’s why I wrote Company of One. My goal with work is always to be as helpful as possible to the people who pay attention, and I don’t need 500 employees or an big, open concept office to do that.

What’s one challenge you face in your work that you’re still working on navigating?

I love starting new projects and solving new problems. But the problem is, my business is just me, so I sometimes get stretched thin with the multiple podcasts, multiple courses, multiple software products, books, etc…

Paul Jarvis.jpeg

When was the last time you practiced self-care and why is self-care important to you?

I work out almost daily, which makes me feel good, look good, and it’s a great break from being in front of a screen for work all day. I like to alternate between weights at the gym and then yoga, biking or hiking on the in-between days.

What’s something that’s been bringing you joy lately?

Summer just finished, so I had an entire season of fresh vegetables from my garden and greenhouse. There’s really nothing better, for me, than making an entire meal from food I’ve grown.

What’s something that’s been pissing you off lately?

Being busy. I hate being busy, because busy means I’ve not scheduled things correctly (i.e. I’ve taken on too much). Ideally, I only want to be busy a few times a year, around launches, and then calm and slow-paced for the rest of the year. It doesn’t always work out like that, but it’s what I’m always aiming for.

What’s something you’re currently working on that’s both super challenging and exciting?

Launching my upcoming book, Company of One. It’s my first traditionally published book (my previous five were self-published), so it’s been a huge learning curve to work with a publisher, an agent, a publicist, etc.

Since the book comes out January 15th, it’s pretty exciting to build up to that. I’m also excited to share the message from the book with a wide audience, that businesses don’t need to go big to be successful or durable for the long term.

Where do you draw inspiration from?

Doing the actual work. I don’t believe in being inspired or motivated, and then accomplishing something, because that’s hard to do.

I like to just get to work (creativity is my full-time job) and then be inspired and motivated by what I’ve done, instead of hoping what I can do in the future will be fulfilling from the inspiration.

What’s something you’re working to unlearn? 

I am not responsible for everything and everyone. This is something I struggle with every day.

💎💎💎

Paul Jarvis is the author of Company of One, a book about why staying small is the next big thing in business. He’s also a minimal designer, newsletter enthusiast, and introvert. Learn more about Paul Jarvis and connect: Twitter + Website

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Some days I hate my body.

Sometimes I hate my body.

Yes, the happy and confident woman that you see also has those days. For the most part, I have grown to love myself and what I look like, but yes, I still have those days. And that’s okay.

My journey with body image hasn’t been an easy one. I don’t think it is for anyone. For years, I hated myself because I was never pretty enough or thin enough.

I always based my sense of self-worth on being overweight. Being the “fat girl” was my identity. I hated it. I hated myself.

My self-loathing began when I was a young child. After my parents divorced when I was about 6, I began to binge eat to mask my feelings. My new “normal” was to sneak food from the kitchen when no one was looking.

I became the “fat girl” at school and was severely bullied from kindergarten through the tenth grade. Kids would call me “the Pillsbury Dough Girl” and poke my stomach. My quiet self would just accept their cruel words. I began to believe it after a while.

In high school I continued to be bullied by my peers during my freshmen year and part of my sophomore year. After constant ridicule, I finally stood up to the people who would become my friends. I told them to stop. I gained respect, yet I still hated myself. This self-hatred continued into my first relationships. I allowed myself to stay with a guy who mentally abused me and told me that I could afford to “lose a few pounds.”

During my junior and senior year, I developed an eating disorder. I intentionally skipped lunch every day during my senior year and only ate a small breakfast and dinner. I would immediately do crunches in my room after eating dinner every night. I still hated myself. This guy broke up with me multiple times because I was never good enough or pretty enough. I stayed with him until my freshmen year of college.

I continued to hate myself and my body in college. I gained a lot of weight throughout my first few years. This spiraled even further when my close college friend was murdered during my junior year.

I didn’t know who I was or what I was living for anymore. I began to binge drink heavily. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to feel. Despite this, I graduated and made it to the “real world.” I began to thrive in college, but still didn’t have the positive self-regard that I deserved.

It was after college that I finally began to discover myself. I moved to Indiana to work at an all-women’s college where I found myself. I began to gain a sense of confidence and truly began to understand my place in this world. I found happiness. I begin to walk and work out more. I went through periods of losing weight and gaining weight during those three years.

What is important is that no matter what I weighed, I truly began to love myself. I took time to “date myself” and remained single for a few years in order to grow. I eventually ended up falling in love with a man who loves me for who I am and has never made me feel “less than” because of my body. I also fell in love with myself.

So now I am here. I am currently working on being healthier and have committed to a diet. I’m focusing on how I feel, rather than what I look like.

By eating better and exercising, I am mentally and physically feeling better as a person. I love who I am and where I’m going in life. So yes, I still have days when I hate my body but for the most part, I fell in love with who I am.

Take time to fall in love with yourself. Embrace your flaws. Focus on your happiness and realize that you can create that happiness even if you are not at your ideal weight. Know that you are beautiful inside and out.

Remember that this journey isn’t an easy one, but it is necessary. I hope that you find yourself. I hope that you fall in love with the incredible person you are.

💛💛💛

Angela Delfine is a graduate student in the Student Affairs in Higher Education program at Indiana University of Pennsylvania. She enjoys blogging about self-care, traveling, reading with her cat, painting, eating Pad Thai, and making people laugh. Learn more about Angela and connect: Twitter + Blog + Email.