Actually, you deserve to be here.

Photo x Noah Buscher

Each week I hold a Twitter chat called #ClarityTalk on Mondays at 9pm ET.  And each week, today’s guest author, Angela Delfine, blows me away with her honesty and words. In her message to us she writes: “They’ll do what they can to bring you down because they aren’t happy with their own lives.” I know. Hits hard, right? If something in today’s message speaks to you, reach out to Angela. Let her know. Connect. See where the conversation takes you. As always, I’m thankful to have you here, dear reader. – Sinclair 

 Words by Angela Delfine

I need you to hear this loud and clear: you deserve to be where you are. Often times we question whether or not we belong in that seat at the table. We worry that what we are saying is not valid or worth anyone’s time. We feel like imposters in our own lives.

Imposter syndrome is very real and all of us experience it at one time or another.

I need you to know that it’s ok to feel that way sometimes but, in the end, you need to realize that your feelings are real, your ideas are valid, and you deserve to triumph.

My journey has been a long and sometimes painful one. As humans, we all have experiences where certain people in our lives tell us that we’re not good enough or smart enough. Even though I like to believe that people are naturally good, I’m not naïve enough to overlook one fact: sometimes people are just plain mean.

They’ll do what they can to bring you down because they aren’t happy with their own lives.

As a child, I was severely bullied because of my weight. I was the chubby girl with glasses that loved school. It took me well into adulthood to learn how to love my body and to realize that there is nothing wrong with not being a size 2 (but also, there’s nothing wrong if you are).

On top of my struggle with body positivity, I had also been in an abusive relationship and other relationships with abusive tendencies. I was told that I wasn’t pretty enough, was made to feel like I wasn’t smart enough, and found myself continuing to hate who I was and what I looked like.

It took years of actively choosing to be single, focusing on my career, and making happiness and self-care a priority in order for me to move forward. My 3 years of working at Saint Mary’s College in Notre Dame (an all-women’s college) was where I grew the most. I learned to love myself and my flaws. I learned that even though I am a woman, I am intelligent and deserve success. I found peace with myself and my world.

 

That is what we all must strive for.

 

During that time, I focused on “dating” myself. I took time to reflect on the things that I am good at. I went out on Saturday mornings to the farmer’s market and did things that truly brought me little bits of joy. I learned to realize that I am an awesome person who truly deserves the job and life she has worked for.

 

Your self-love journey will not be an easy one. There are people and events that may crush you. You may fall over at times. But when you get back up and keep on walking, I assure you that the road will be a better one. I’m not expecting you to find joy and confidence immediately. I’m asking you to at least strive for it. Know that you deserve it. We all do.

 

Know that when you keep your head held high you will go places, my friend. You are so worthy. Your concerns, ideas, triumphs, and challenges are all valid. There are people who hear you and see you. We’re rooting for you all the way.

Now take your seat at the table and know that you belong there.

Headshot - Delfine

Angela Delfine is a graduate student in the Student Affairs in Higher Education program at Indiana University of Pennsylvania. She enjoys blogging about self-care, traveling, reading with her cat, painting, eating Pad Thai, and making people laugh. Follow Angela on Twitter or email her at  angela.delfine24@gmail.com.

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Mental Health Mixtape: “My Anxious Mess of a Beautiful Life”

 

This is a mental health mixtape full of honest + raw stigma crushing storytelling. It’s for the people pleaser who compromises their values to avoid confrontation and avoid being alone. It’s for the person who has convinced themselves that who they are isn’t enough.

It’s honest words about a life lived feeling afraid of everything all the time, the journey to get help and trust others, and the struggle that remains.

Get the free preview + order today!

 

Stop chasing people who don’t want you.

Header Photo by Thomas Young | Words by Sinclair Ceasar

🎧 Audio version of today’s newsletter. 

They don’t want you.

They’re not going after you. They never call you first, email you back, text to see how you are.

At this point, they’re probably ghosting you, but you’re thirsty and hungry for their attention and validation.  They know this. Maybe they don’t.

Either way, you’re not a priority for them, but you keep going after them. It’s not healthy. You need to let them go.

If you keep holding on, you’ll miss out on all the people right there in your life who actually want you and want to give you love. You’ll miss out on yourself and all the things you’d be sacrificing if you and this person actually did life together, business together, creativity together, making a family together.

You’re willing to compromise  your values just to be with them. You know you shouldn’t, but you ignore your truest voice.

You’d rather partner with fear instead.

Dear reader, I gotta tell you,  it’s time to stop chasing people who don’t want you. People who’d bring all that’s toxic into your life. People who won’t give to you how you’d give to them. People who are clearly disinterested in who you are and what you bring.

I know this because I’ve been that chaser so many times in my life. I’ve gone after the people who only want to cause me harm. I’ve gone after people who were only meant to be in my life for a brief season.

Everyone isn’t meant to stick around forever. Some people come into our lives for the job, the date, the money, the laughs, or the trip, and then they leave.

I’ve feared that letting go means losing something I’ll never ever get back: someone who loves me, someone who sees me, someone who wants to create with me. I have attachment and detachment issues. I fear being alone. I’m uncomfortable with too much silence.

Mostly though, I fear that letting go of people means that something is wrong with me. But that’s not true.

Letting go of someone could be the breakthrough you’ve been needing to give to yourself.

It could mean you seizing an opportunity you wouldn’t have otherwise. It could be making space for the people, the healthy habits, the practices, and  the love that would actually light up your life.

But, you won’t get any of that if you’re fixated on everything and everyone that doesn’t want you.
Make the shift.

It’s taken years, but I’ve made the shift through deep work with therapists, close friends, my wife, God, and myself. Today, I’m fortunate and thankful to have the relationships I didn’t have growing up. I’m no longer sticking with people who brought violence and pain and humiliation into my life.

Sometimes, I see myself starting to chase others, but then I think: Do I have the love I need?

I do.

How to begin shifting your own narrative.

Check those stories you’re telling yourself.

Ask yourself:

  • What am I afraid of losing if I let them go?
  • Why do I keep going after people who never go after me?
  • What would happen if I focused on what I love, instead of on who could love me? 
  • How am I grounded in the relationships I already have? 
  • What’s the loving choice in all this? What’s the fear filled decision? 

Sit with the real answers that arise. Write them down. Talk them out with someone you trust. Talk them out with me, you know I’m here.

But, don’t retreat  when painful realizations show themselves. We often avoid the truth because it’s hard to digest. Then, we spend years of our lives suffering, because we chose to act from a deficit, rather than make decisions that align with our values. 

Who do you need to stop chasing? What’s your next move with this? Whatever it is, I encourage you to carry grace with you during this process. Go slow with it. Go easy on yourself. It doesn’t need to happen today.

I hope you get to a point where you can say: I’ve let go of at least one relationship that was draining me. I was doing all the work, and they weren’t willing to. I’m glad I chose me.

Choose you, my friend.

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I send weekly emails to amazing people all over the world. If you can use some real talk and inspiration in your life, subscribe to the newsletter today.