Stop chasing people who don’t want you.

Header Photo by Thomas Young | Words by Sinclair Ceasar

🎧 Audio version of today’s newsletter. 

They don’t want you.

They’re not going after you. They never call you first, email you back, text to see how you are.

At this point, they’re probably ghosting you, but you’re thirsty and hungry for their attention and validation.  They know this. Maybe they don’t.

Either way, you’re not a priority for them, but you keep going after them. It’s not healthy. You need to let them go.

If you keep holding on, you’ll miss out on all the people right there in your life who actually want you and want to give you love. You’ll miss out on yourself and all the things you’d be sacrificing if you and this person actually did life together, business together, creativity together, making a family together.

You’re willing to compromise  your values just to be with them. You know you shouldn’t, but you ignore your truest voice.

You’d rather partner with fear instead.

Dear reader, I gotta tell you,  it’s time to stop chasing people who don’t want you. People who’d bring all that’s toxic into your life. People who won’t give to you how you’d give to them. People who are clearly disinterested in who you are and what you bring.

I know this because I’ve been that chaser so many times in my life. I’ve gone after the people who only want to cause me harm. I’ve gone after people who were only meant to be in my life for a brief season.

Everyone isn’t meant to stick around forever. Some people come into our lives for the job, the date, the money, the laughs, or the trip, and then they leave.

I’ve feared that letting go means losing something I’ll never ever get back: someone who loves me, someone who sees me, someone who wants to create with me. I have attachment and detachment issues. I fear being alone. I’m uncomfortable with too much silence.

Mostly though, I fear that letting go of people means that something is wrong with me. But that’s not true.

Letting go of someone could be the breakthrough you’ve been needing to give to yourself.

It could mean you seizing an opportunity you wouldn’t have otherwise. It could be making space for the people, the healthy habits, the practices, and  the love that would actually light up your life.

But, you won’t get any of that if you’re fixated on everything and everyone that doesn’t want you.
Make the shift.

It’s taken years, but I’ve made the shift through deep work with therapists, close friends, my wife, God, and myself. Today, I’m fortunate and thankful to have the relationships I didn’t have growing up. I’m no longer sticking with people who brought violence and pain and humiliation into my life.

Sometimes, I see myself starting to chase others, but then I think: Do I have the love I need?

I do.

How to begin shifting your own narrative.

Check those stories you’re telling yourself.

Ask yourself:

  • What am I afraid of losing if I let them go?
  • Why do I keep going after people who never go after me?
  • What would happen if I focused on what I love, instead of on who could love me? 
  • How am I grounded in the relationships I already have? 
  • What’s the loving choice in all this? What’s the fear filled decision? 

Sit with the real answers that arise. Write them down. Talk them out with someone you trust. Talk them out with me, you know I’m here.

But, don’t retreat  when painful realizations show themselves. We often avoid the truth because it’s hard to digest. Then, we spend years of our lives suffering, because we chose to act from a deficit, rather than make decisions that align with our values. 

Who do you need to stop chasing? What’s your next move with this? Whatever it is, I encourage you to carry grace with you during this process. Go slow with it. Go easy on yourself. It doesn’t need to happen today.

I hope you get to a point where you can say: I’ve let go of at least one relationship that was draining me. I was doing all the work, and they weren’t willing to. I’m glad I chose me.

Choose you, my friend.

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5 Things You Probably Beat Yourself Up About

5NumberFiveInCircle

This might seem like post about me, but I don’t think we’re all that different. I’m betting you’ll see yourself in at least one thing written below. 

1. You don’t have the relationships you want with others. I’m so guilty of this one. I think it’s because I set high expectations for others. I want them to love me instantly and tell me all about their lives. I want them to be open, extroverted, forthcoming, interesting, patient, (geesh, the list is too long and too ridiculous to continue writing). This is unrealistic and relationship building takes time. It’s hard for me to accept this, but I’m working on it every darn day.

Note: Food is better when time and effort are put into it, and the fake stuff is left out of it. Relationships with friends, colleagues, students, and family aren’t any different. I might write this on the back of my hand just to remind myself. 

2. You think you should be today, what you’re not even ready to be yet. I hate this one. I want it all now. I want the doctorate, the followers, the fans, the expensive clothes, the big paychecks, and the recognition in my field. But all any of that means is that I need to work on accepting who I am today, and realizing that I am enough. Fans, books, presentation/keynote invites don’t inform that – I do.

3. You produce content just to stay relevant and known. I’ve been scheduling out positive social media updates to inspire others. My intentions are good because I seek to positively inspire others. The other – more embarrassing – reason is because I think others will forget me if I don’t let them know I’m here …like every couple of hours. That’s ridiculous. You’re here, I’m here, and we’re all busy living. Take time for yourself and treat yourself. Remind yourself of what it all really means. Remind yourself that you mean something even if no one is calling you, texting you, or inviting you anywhere. They haven’t necessarily forgotten, and it’s not always because they don’t like you. They just have their own lives to live, journeys to experience, and challenges to face. Dig into that loneliness and figure out why it feels so bad. Yes, yes, I’m going to take my own advice. It’s a struggle.

4. You and your worrying are getting in your way. I’m afraid of being wrong and of being alone. 10 points for you if you’ve figured this out by now. I don’t want the pain, guilt, and shame that potentially come with letting others down or making a fool of myself. So, I overcompensate by being super duper on top of things at work, at home, and in my friend groups. It’s causing so much stress in my 27 year old body. Gah, the aches!!! On top of that, worrying is exhausting. I imagine all the brain power and happiness I’d have if I just worried for ONLY one hour a day (which my counselor recently suggested), and spent the rest of time floating from one thing to the next, with a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. Pain is going to come, but I don’t have to spend every moment anticipating it. Neither do you.

5. You don’t know what you really want from life. I want real friends, a happy and fulfilling marriage (as of 7-16-2015), a good savings account, and to have an impact on others. The problem is that I think my wants aren’t that great. So what if  I don’t want what you want or what person x wants. So what if my wants aren’t noble, humble, good enough, or whatever. What happens when I embrace who I am (even the yucky stuff)? What do YOU really want from life? Does the answer bother you? 

Take what you want, and throw away the rest. Share this with someone if you think they can use it.